progress report december 2009
(this report is over a month late but here it is at last)
It’s been a month of socialising and taking time for myself. Tying up loose ends and looking forward to the future. Of letting go of the past and embracing who I a really am. Outgoing and yet inward looking at the same time. Wow. That’s saying something isn’t it. Yes, maybe. But the December review is not only a review of the month but of the whole year.
At the end of January this year I separated from my wife and moved into a rented room over the other side of town. We had been together for about 17 years and married for five of them. This is the first time that I have been able to talk about it so publicly and it feels like a relief to get it out into the open. Up until very recently only some close friends had known the situation and even my family had been in the dark. This has obviously characterised my outlook this year and affected my decision making more than anything else. Without going into the details of the separation (which I may approach in another post) it will seem clear why I have approached my objectives in the way that I have.
Panic grips my soul
The start of the year was cold and sunny just like this one (2010) and there was much fear and panic in my soul. What if my wife stops me from seeing my child or my child grows up to hate me. Fears that I’m sure all estranged fathers experience. But there was a more immediate worry – money. Up until my departure I had been gradually cutting back on the number of yoga classes I had been teaching in order to make more time for web design and to study web development. Looking after a new born child, indecision and problems with the marriage made it more than a struggle to focus on studying. I knew that I wanted to quit yoga teaching at some point and to find another career. I also wanted to increase my income slightly as I had turned forty and was thinking about my pension and of course my daughter. And trying to make this decision and settle on a possible future career became a career in itself. I think it was also a means of focusing my attention away from the difficulties within my marriage and the lack of sleep brought about from having a new born child. Frustrated, tired and scared. But trying to be measured and rational about it all. Putting a brave face on it.
Money worries
Having moved away my costs increased due to maintenance and child support payments, as well as my new living costs. With my low level of income my calculations showed that I couldn’t cover my costs. So I would have to use my savings to cover the shortfall. Panic. How long could I last? What if the the yoga classes came to an end? There was no long term contract as such even though I had been teaching them for a very long time. And my REPs certificate was about to end in September. What then? What if it wasn’t renewed? Then I couldn’t teach. I had from February till the end of September to gain a new skill. And that skill was going to be Ruby on Rails, a web development technology. I was going to spend every spare minute of my spare time studying and then the investment would pay off. My savings would not have been spent in vain.
Study like I had an exam coming up
So I planned out all my study and worked at it diligently for just over a month. At which point I began to burn out. I couldn’t really maintain that sort of pace. And it wasn’t sticking. I wasn’t enjoying it either. Luckily at that time I received a new web design contract which allowed me a guilt free shift in focus. This allowed the panic to subside somewhat and I just settled into my new life. Very soon after this I secured a second web design contract and it made me feel that perhaps I didn’t need to rely entirely on my yoga teaching income. And the orders for bicycle wheels kept coming in as well. Round about this time I gave my room the Feng Shui treatment and that made a world of difference. Suddenly the layout of the room seemed to fit with who I was and what I was doing at the time. The room seemed to be more spacious and quiet as well as feeling supportive and powerful. I began to engage with my own yoga practice again and I generally felt more ordered and organized.
Spring 2009
Spring had sprung and I was feeling new life spreading through my own veins. Having completed those two contracts I took a ride down to Brighton by bicycle. It was the first sunshine of the year and I took the opportunity to have a break. I had a wonderful few days catching up with friends and really taking a proper break. This really was my first proper break since the birth of Maya. But I didn’t dwell on it too much, I just enjoyed it.
Summer 2009
As spring turned into summer the panic was subsiding and I was truly settling into my new life. But the panic had given me a little bit of motivation and I was beginning to lose that. No matter. I had another brief fling with another possible career move, MySQL certification. Study at home and then take an exam at a test centre. But that idea soon faded as well.
All this time I visited my daughter Maya once a week. I spent the whole day with her from morning till early evening. I told myself that it was more than some fathers get to spend with their children. And even if she grows up and hates me for leaving the family at least I would have enjoyed some quality time with her in the early years. That’s worth something I guess. This will continue during 2010.
Autumn 2009
In the latter part of the summer a very demanding web design contract ended quite disastrously with them leaving the country without paying. I felt duped and cheated after having put in a lot of extra time to make all the necessary changes and get the work completed in time. But that was only the initial blow. As the client wasn’t willing to pay I didn’t deliver the website files. But very soon afterwards I noticed that they had managed to make a copy of the work probably by conning another gullible designer. This was extremely upsetting especially as I was beginning to gain some confidence in my work a web designer and made me want to quit.
My REPs membership was about to expire. That could mean no more yoga teaching. What then? No more yoga, no more web design either. Become a checkout operator at the local supermarket? But I filled in the form for my renewal and sent the cheque. My membership certificate arrived in the post and the panic was over, for another year at least. Very soon after this I was offered and accepted a new regular yoga class which meant that I wouldn’t be quitting my career as a yoga teacher just yet. So I needed to embrace it and reconnect with it. Feel inspired and communicate that to my students. For who knows how long I will have to do this, so I might as well enjoy it and gain a certain benefit from it that is more than just money.
My holiday cottage in Sweden
Another worry this year, again brought about by the separation is the future of the holiday cottage in Sweden. My wife was thinking about selling it and I didn’t have enough money to buy her half. She simply wanted to get her money out of it but I wasn’t ready to let it go. My birthday, my 41st was at the end of October and I decided to hang the expense and make the trip. I wanted to treat myself for my birthday, have a holiday and just see if I still wanted to keep it. I had a wonderful time. Unless the worst came to the worst I wouldn’t sell it. And as soon as I could afford it I would go there again. It’s expensive to get there, £400 or so for a long weekend plus a long travel; nine hours door to door. But while I was there I just felt good. Simple as that. My wife cooled off in her urgency to sell the place and handed over the entire management to me. I have to pay the upkeep which isn’t great but still an additional cost on top of my other ones. I’m going to keep it another year and see if I still want it then.
Making my goals public
But throughout this year I have maintained my monthly reports even though the rest of my blog has been rather neglected. It’s a testament to the fact that this works. Making my goals public (even though there may be a tiny handful of people reading it) has had the effect of helping me to stick to them. To put it in a nutshell it’s as simple as saying that if you want to do something then you should get on and do it. But if you think that it would be good for you to do something or that perhaps you ought to work on a certain project but the willingness isn’t there then just drop it. Put the energy where it flows freely. With the feeling that others are watching my progress I must practice what I preach and cannot hide.
So with the details of the back story in place let’s now look at the specifics of each goal and how I did this month and this year.
100 miles a week cycling
I really have nailed this one right on the head. There were only a handful of weeks that were below the hundred mile mark. I’m fit and strong and my only regret would be that I would have liked to have done them on rides rather than commutes. Separating from my wife and living at the other end of London means that it’s around 19 miles one way. So a large chunk of my weekly mileage has been the trip to go and visit my daughter on Mondays.
Meditation
A couple of months into the year I nailed this one too. After putting it on the list over and over again wondering if the the meditation was still there. But soon after my room had its Feng Shui treatment it just fell into place. Again it was something that helped immensely during this separation process and see all the various elements of my life more clearly. It is important to feel what you feel but at the same time you must neither block it out nor let it overwhelm you. Meditation has allowed me to stay in touch with myself and essentially be more like me.
Yoga Practice
I have been wanting to quit teaching yoga and do more of my own practice. But even though I have had ample time and opportunity to do my own practice at home, I just haven’t. So what was going on here? Perhaps I just wanted a break from yoga in general. But this year I have been practising without any need to force myself to do it. And it is helping me to cope with the teaching. In fact I’m starting to feel a bit more inspired again. I suppose that I’m feeling nourished so I don’t mind sharing that with others.
Friends
I really needed my friends this year and I made a point of staying in touch. Travelling to Brighton to see old friends and also working on newer friendships that I have made in London. Sometimes it seems like an uphill struggle when you’re doing all the work to make those meetings happen but who’s keeping count. One of us has to do it. Imagine that neither of us did it. Just like plants, friendships need to fed and watered regularly.
Wheel log
This one started to become a bit of a chore about halfway through the year. I began counting the time that I spent doing it and wondered if it wan even worth it. Around about September the backlog got so high that simply stopped on both the blog and the spreadsheet. I know that some people did keep an eye on the wheel log an they emailed to tell me so. But alas the motivation and the enthusiasm had gone.
De-cluttering
Moving from a one-bedroomed flat to a single room in a flat-share meant discarding many items. The room is very tidy and well organised but about a third of my stuff still remains at my old place. But soon it will come to join me here and clutter will increase. Obviously some of the things that were shared items at my previous abode had to be purchased again here. So was that clutter or necessity? During the year therefore, stuff has increased. Bit is that stuff that I use or stuff that could be chucked? I have had a very strong intention to do this all year but because this room is a temporary situation, even if I stay her for another year, I might want some things that may be useless here to move onto my next abode. But that’s just an excuse; I do want to chuck stuff but I find it hard.
Relaxing and Goalless
I really did miss taking baths because I share the bathroom now, but a little forward planning would rectify that. Walks along the Grand Union Canal and a lot of gaming have characterised my relaxing and goalless times. Along with the odd nap. Usually on a Monday when my daughter takes her nap. I discovered Evony and got a bit too hooked to it. Later on in the year I dedicated Saturdays as a day of rest and reflection. A time to take a step back and think about stuff. This is as important as doing stuff. It nourishes the soul in a way that cannot really be described too easily, but I’ll try. How does goallessness help one to achieve goals? Well, doing things is a combination of making it happen and allowing it to happen. One tends to focus too much on making things happen and this way of being can often be counter-productive. Relaxing and being goalless simply allows things to happen and it becomes clear if one is trying too hard and where exactly one needs to aim ones effort.
Computer Training
Being in a goalless state it has been clear that I had been forcing myself in this direction like a parent forcing their child to take music lessons. I need to up my skill level in something that pays relatively well. And having been doing web design this seemed to be the obvious choice. There is also the time element: I am over 40 and I have a young child. I don’t have time to keep looking. But you can’t force these things. You can’t force anything. I tried and I failed to make any serious progress. Why? Because even though the idea fits in theory, I simply didn’t have the urge. Heart 1, mind 0. But trying to figure out which type of computer technology to study has masked a deeper issue: what do I want to do? Career, lifestyle and where to live. How to live. Big questions. Far easier to stick within a narrow range of choices.
But now that I’m fully settled in my new life and covering my costs and almost a year till my REPs expires, I can breathe easy and feel confident that things are actually OK. The world won’t end if I don’t manage to figure out what to do with my life. If just carry on as I am make a few changes here and there that’s fine and I feel OK with that.