arup’s blog

April has been very busy again and hence the very late report. After getting the March one out on time I thought that I might do the same with the April one too but it didn’t happen. It’s been an extreme month in terms of my energy. I’ve been very up and down. Lots of work and study but when I have had the time to do things it has been difficult. Toward the end of last year I was thinking that my yoga teaching career was about to come to an end but instead my so called license was renewed and I took on more classes. It’s not really what I want to do long term but because it pays the bills I’m continuing to do it and trying to embrace it. I know I won’t be doing it forever and it’s giving me the chance to continue working part-time and develop other skills. But that’s where it has been difficult. Doing all these extra classes, (which is still not as many as I did in my peak of yoga teaching)developing websites and building wheels leaves me very little time to study. And when I do have the time I feel a little burned out so I tend to be fighting with myself. For example on a Thursday afternoon I have the chance to go to the university and do some study as I’m there anyway but instead I come home, take ages over lunch and then faff about on the computer till it’s too late to do anything. Then I’ll stay up late watching movies.

April saw the end of the first part of my java course at City University with a three week break which I was going to use in order to revise all the work that I’d done or tried to do so that I would be ready to roll when Part 2 began. Part 2 was postponed by a week which gave me an extra week but I managed to find excuses to avoid doing any work. I’m enjoying it so why am I not doing more of it? Because it’s getting harder. I can’t just dabble at my own pace. I need to learn stuff in order to progress to the next level. You see what I mean. And at the back of my mind this is going to lead to a new career and I think that part of me doesn’t really want that.

I was talking to a friend a few days ago about working full time. She is also a yoga teacher and hasn’t worked full time for many years. Neither have I. She asked me why I was even considering it. Mainly due to having a child and being separated. She’s divorced and has two children but never saw the need to work full time. I realised how fear had got the better of me and that I was giving up on my ideals. I have been telling myself that it would only be for a little while and then I’d quit. I need to examine this fear a bit further as I think it might help me to understand why I’m faffing about when I have time to do stuff rather than getting on with it because it supposed to be stuff that I want to: stuff that I would do when I faff.

I have been hard on myself for these ups and downs. It’s the old school approach where I’m not giving myself enough of a reward for getting stuff done and being too harsh when I achieved a lot less than I had anticipated. So how did I do in April 2010?

120 miles

My mileage hasn’t been a problem at all. In fact it’s been well above my quota. Last week I hit a high of 155 miles and this week I was up to 147. It’s very nice with the sun starting to show its face. Which is fantastic.

Meditation

This is the same as it ever was. But I’m so glad that I’m sticking with it even though it’s just the 10 minute a day. Every now and again it’s just a little bit longer and I do go deeper. Slowly but surely it’s taking hold again.

Yoga

Well I did have this plan of going in half an hour before my class in order to do some practice but it hasn’t really been happening. I found the room occupied on one occassion and tht really put me off. But when I move in a couple of months time I’m looking forward to having a permanent yoga space. Hopefully that isn’t going to make me lazy for those two months.

Friends

A few dinners and lunches this month which was very nice but I kinda miss just the hanging out. You know just having a drink and a chinwag although there was a little bit of that. I seem to be losing touch with one or two. Just because they’re on Facebook you tend to think that they’re just there but you still need to communicate properly. And then what happens? You see their picture but you don’t talk. Am I being slack or is it time to let go of some of those friends?

De-clutter

I did chuck a few small things but they didn’t make a whole lot of difference. I feel as though I’m not actively pursuing this one. My idea is that stuff I don’t want won’t follow me to my next abode but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will. Like that small bag of pudding rice. I thought it was risotto rice when I bought it or that it could be used in that way. But I hate rice pudding so why am I keeping it?

Goalless

In my moments of faffing I seem to have stolen time in order to enjoy myself. Doing things like playing Evony, watching movies or tv series and some general surfing. But I haven’t taken a clear decision to do something goalless such as walking along the canal. Hence the term faffing. Which is neither work nor real enjoyment. Well it’s kind of enjoyable but it’s like the doodle that some people do when they’re on the phone. I want to be on the phone or I want to be doodling not half doing one or the other. As I’ve said before I need some new ideas for this. Bring back sudoku.

Programming

Part 2 of my java programming course has begun and I feel as though I’m quite far behind. As I explained above, I have so much work to do that when I have spare time to study I feel like I just want to have a break rather than study. It’s a tough choice especially as I’m paying to take these courses and I don’t have much surplus funds at the moment. So I’m trying not to be too hard on myself for taking these breaks and not devoting all my spare time to study. But then the breaks seem to be getting longer and longer till there’s no study at all. Sometimes I even dread the thought of it. So what’s it all about? Hey, it’s only money. Don’t become your dad. If you get bored of it and don’t want to pursue it then that’s ok. Remember the underlying principle that was to govern this year – don’t force anything.

Health plan

My diet seems to comprise mainly of toast but health is more than just diet. Well you can add to that a distinct lack of sleep with an average of 5-6 hours a night. But I have been getting a lot of exercise. My health plan still lies in the someday / maybe pile.

What went well

I was really enjoying looking back on the day and writing down a few short paragraphs about positive experiences but I seem to have been neglecting it. Even though I’m up late feeling tired sometimes it’s just faffing about feeling I should be doing stuff. Then I realise that I could have done some of these things but couldn’t really be bothered and as it was now the very end of the day and I was too tired. Trying to avoid doing fun things: whatever next I wonder.

In this the final week of April 2010 I have completed 155 miles in commuting mileage and that was even without my early morning ride on the Monday. No rides just back and forth along that Uxbridge Road. Still, the weather has been good and I’m feeling very fit. I move house in July and am wondering how I’m going to maintain my weekly mileage quota. I’ll figure something out. I’m sure I will.

On Monday the 12th of April I made myself have a proper day off. Usually on Mondays I spend the day with my daughter Maya. But as mother and daughter were out of the country I decided to take the opportunity to have a little downtime. I take long breaks from work now and again but since I started studying on top of my busy work schedule I haven’t taken any proper time off at all. I think after christmas it was January when that happened. So even a week before it actually happened I was quite excited about it.

The first big difference was getting up a bit later. I usually get up at 5.00am but had a lie in till 7.30am. But right from the start I felt a bit strange. At first I even thought that I shouldn’t actually take the day off because it was a chance to get some work done. But I had scheduled the day off and if Maya had been in town then I would have gone to see her. That feeling soon wore off but not completely and that slight pang of guilt remained for the rest of the day.

I had a late breakfast after faffing about on the internet and playing evony. And then proceeded to play halo 2. That took me up to about 11.00am. I did actually do a spot of wheel building and some tidying up and that took me up to the lunch hour. Building the wheel did help to reduce the guilt but I still couldn’t fully relax and enjoy having that time. So I decided to go out. Get away from the work that surrounded me. Pretty obvious really.

It was ok weather but a bit windy. My plan was to visit a restaurant in Wembley called Chennai Dosa which has been on my list of restaurants to visit for ages but I didn’t actually feel like going there. Maybe the wind was putting me off. So instead I went to Southall. The place was full of roadworks and very crowded. I got a couple of samosas from the street and then browsed a few pound shops. I got some jalebis on the way home along with some cider and a large packet of crisps.

A bit more faffing about when I got home and then time to watch a movie. I was starting to feel more relaxed but couldn’t completely shake the guilt. I thought that perhaps a little alcohol might do the trick. But now I was also missing Maya. I think a week is as long as I can take without seeing her and then I really start to miss her. Yeah. That’s how it is.

I watched the Coen Brother’s latest offering, “A Serious Man”. This was interrupted by one of my flatmates returning home who proceeded to go and get some wine and join me for the rest of the movie. He suggested that I teach yoga at my new place and I quite liked the idea and even got a little excited about it.

A late dinner at about 11.00pm of scrambled eggs on toast followed by more evony and I was finally starting to feel that I’d enjoyed the day. I had simply followed my nose and had done what I had felt like doing at the time rather than follow any particular plan. So I’m starting to feel relaxed again and ready to get on with some work. Or maybe eat more crisps and watch movies!